Meeting The Wolf You Feed

     

Wolf Spirit

 One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
       He said, “My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

      “One is Evil – It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

      “The other is Good – It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”

      The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf wins?”

      The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

 
Today our nation marks a day of service in honor of MLK as well we should. Being of service in some way is one of the reasons I feel we're all here in this crazy bathtub to begin with. As a society, we pick days of remembrance, service, honoring and then the next day people go back to yelling at each other at Starbucks. I wonder daily, do we learn nothing? Are we not better than that? Will we ever collectively be better than that? I suppose for that, we'd have to agree on what 'better' is and how to move forward to create that together. Well, one can dream anyway.

I think though, I want to take this down to a personal level and have you ask yourself, what you're in service to? Do you serve your fear or your love? I've been asking myself this one a lot lately. Do you serve who you think you 'should' be or honor who you really are daily? Kinda big questions but also important ones because they influence how you go out into the world and interact with it and others. These questions are most on my mind at 2 or 3 in the morning when because I'm older, I wake up in the middle of the night and there they are, in my face demanding my attention. My frank answer this morning was, I kinda go back and forth. This morning, I was all about what I'm afraid of which led down a sad little psychological rabbit hole. I think, because I've started writing again and this time in a more public way - I'm starting to feel exposed and vulnerable.

It's hilarious because I'm doing it to myself! No one is making me write. No one is making me put it on the web, not even me. But the little girl in me who has grown into a woman who still looks over her shoulder for the bullies and subsequent pain they bring with them is freaking out the more I do this. I'm ok with this but, it does take some getting used to and I'm not there yet. I'm not one with natural personal boundaries so this path isn't new, it's just in a new format.

 Having the courage of your convictions and walking your talk is NOT for the faint of heart. From the outside, it looks much easier to follow the herd. I imagine though, my oldest friends, I think will tell you I've never been one for that or for keeping my silence for long.  It's not really courage or bravery, I just really don't know how to not talk about stuff, especially if I feel I can help anyone else through their own forest of trees. I wasn't born with an edit button and don't seem to have much interest in creating one. I have learned how to be diplomatic but even that I've found a distaste for as I grow older. I digress.

So, back to my 3am meeting with my fear wolf who, spent an hour of reminding me how tenuous and fragile life is. Yeah, I wasn't loving that so much. For every doubt tossed at me, I had a rebuttal/defense of action I'm either taking or would take in whatever eventuality. IE for every doubt, I had a plan to empower myself. I even tried the new one I found yesterday 'Hey, I'm being green! Can't I just be green?' But for every plan of empowerment, there cropped up another fear to disable that leaving me once again at it's mercy. These were not the 'what if's' of last week. These were the things I imagine keep everyone up at night thinking about and that sometimes I still find myself vulnerable to.

Part of it is having a connected conclusion leaping mind that I have to constantly be aware of or it'll terrorize me when I'm least suspecting it like this morning. I imagine part of it is the normal helplessness of the unknown that most experience. Think that's where I'm going to concentrate, learning to be excited for the unknown instead. I mean truly, why expect the worst? It makes no real sense at all and is a stupid habit of the lazier part of my mind. Part of it is the realities of the now. In fact I feel an increasingly larger part of it is that. Almost any news show is a constant spew of yuck followed by commercials that remind you of everything you're not but you gotta stay informed because it's the times we live in so there's that. Junk food for the mind and more fuel for the 3am fear wolf.  

How do you address that wolf with the more benevolent one to if nothing else, maintain a balance in a truth based thought pattern? Despite the story above, it's not as simple as not feeding it unless you want to live under a rock somewhere cut off from everything and everyone - at least it wasn't for me. I stopped feeding it this morning and it kept taunting. The fear wolf will fight with lies but more importantly finds more power in truths you refuse to admit or allow. This is when persistent musings of an idle brain change to a practice called Stalking Your Shadow Self. Contrary to popular thought, not everything stalking you is evil. It only seems that way. Sometimes what's eating you is looking for attention, acceptance and some sort of change within. So, when the 3am wolf says -' Nobody gets it. Nobody will ever get it. You're wasting your time and your life and by default, the time and life of those around you.' and I start to feel afraid that could be true - I'm being stalked. I'm in danger of being victimized by my own fears and if I know this, now I have a choice to make. There's no question that in the moment I believe this wolf. It's right. What will I do about it? Knowing you have a choice is power. You can fight but in this case it's counter productive. Part of you has already invested in that truth. To fight truth with a lie you tell yourself will only strengthen that wolf.  That's what a lot of people will do at this stage - the HERO stance. Put your hands on your hips, fluff out your cape and stand against the wolf. You may have the illusion of winning but it's just that battle, not the war. The wolf knows you're vulnerable and will be back to take another bite in another way.

I've done the hero thing for many years thinking I was winning so I know this path well and this wolf and I are old frienemies. This morning I did something new. I admitted to the wolf that it was right and allowed all that - gosh I don't even know what to call it - sludge of emotional backwash, failure, futility, helplessness, anxiety etc to wash through me and believe it all. Accept it all. You know what? Right through me was where it went and right back out and was replaced with a rather innocent quiet thought - so what? In the face of what loving and life may cost you, do you curl up under that rock? Can you? Or do you walk away saying it was all worth it. Loving completely is worth whatever pain it may cost. Loving unconditionally (not stupidly FYI) is worth whatever rejection may come your way as a result. Being transparent is totally worth it if it lifts another from their darkness and if it doesn't - so what? Frankly, the world could use more people willing to be that. This particular 3am wolf bowed and left me with the other one, and a lot of new ways to look at my life. Who knows, maybe I still haven't hit all the things I need to accept from that wolf and it'll be back. Learning is like that - bits at a time. But for now, we're at peace. I'll take it.

People - LOVE like you have nothing to lose - not for others, but for yourself first and others will benefit because it'll just come spilling out everywhere. Trust yourself to come out the other side stronger and more than you went in. Don't be satisfied just winning the battle. Or find a comfortable rock with a nice view of the life you could've had. Now that you know, the choice is yours. You can have my old rock if you want..... I won't be needing it anymore.