Those Pesky Resolutions

Balance #4

Apparently a new year is upon us and so begins the march of well intentioned 'resolutions'. For the last few years, my go-to resolution has been to make better mistakes. I figured that was easy enough to keep up on all year. I've learned far more from my apparent failures over the years than my successes so I figured if I made even better mistakes, I'd learn even more. It's a kind of nebulous resolution but it also had the side benefit of making others scratch their heads and I enjoy that. I mean, who seeks out mistakes and failure? We're all trying to be our better selves right? What says I'm living a better life than keeping imaginary scores! After two years of this, I've learned something VERY important. I've learned to ask what a mistake really is and what do I do with or to myself if I perceive one.

I'm kinda loving this style of writing because this is completely not what I was going to write about today and yet, this is what comes out when I sit down. I was going to write on the consciousness of your body and instead, resolution stuff leapt out of my fingers and onto the screen. I chose to start a blog for many reasons that I'll probably talk about in time. But first and foremost reason is, I already wrote a book. When you're writing that way, you have to stay within the outline and blah blah blah. Blog writing is freeing in that way - a steady stream of consciousness that you don't necessarily have to organize. I don't even title something till I'm finished thought meandering for the day. It was an aside thought I wanted to share. Back to your witty regularly scheduled resolution talk.

Resolution has several meanings. I think though, when it's applied to how you're going to behave moving forward, that it implies the application of will to something you may feel you have none in. In a sense, you're allocating a personal power in your life to a specific outcome or at least dedicating yourself to the journey to an achievement of that. Though I imagine some would argue that resolutions aren't that serious. It's just something we do every new year and another meaningless social activity. To that I'll say, cool but I'm not buying it. If that were true, then why not just have fun with it then instead of those ever present - go to the gym more - ones people always make? Say instead, I resolve to fart more or something. I really think there's something to that public declaration of a change you want to embrace in your life that holds people loosely accountable and that's why people make them. Anyone you've told that you're going to spend more time in the gym this year will ask how it's going and you'll have to either lie or fess up. (course going to the gym could mean just driving there and leaving) Maybe some part of you feels you need the oversight until you can handle it yourself? Or maybe by declaring resolutions you're asking for support from others in reaching a dream?

That leads me to another question. How do you hold yourself accountable in your life? Do you? Self accountability is pecking around the same subject as 'mistakes' and self expectations - just a different tool to pry that particular thing open and see what's inside making it tick. How you punish yourself if you perceive a misstep is another great question to ask while feeling around the edges of something like this and leads to my resolution for this year. I will stop punishing myself - period. Must be a good one because I had to leave my computer for a moment of internal OUCH! If that resonated with you like it is with me right now, group hug. This is a tough one. Don't you realize yet that you are enough? Do you want to? Truthfully, what thoughts and feelings immediately lept to your mind in defense or reasons why you won't accept that?

Those are the things you're punishing yourself for.

Everyone say it with me -
I AM ENOUGH.

I don't believe you yet.
 I AM ENOUGH! 

Still don't believe ya. It doesn't have to be louder, but you have to allow it to resonate - deeper - it's a tiny voice sometimes speaking up from the dust pile of things you've put over it (that we're no longer punishing ourselves for so now we can hear it)

 i. am. enough. finally.

Try taking a moment when you feel you've made  mistake to breathe instead and say out-loud or to your fears - I am enough. If during the year you have an unplanned cookie or three - I am enough. If you feel you aren't enough and start to fall into doubt and worry, breathe and say, I am enough. Because honestly, what has punishing yourself and being critical of every freaking little thing gotten you over the years?

Practice, for the year being enough and see what happens. Heck practice it for a day or an hour and see what happens. This year, make your resolution a gift.